Fitzwilliam Darcy, Rockstar by Heather Lynn Rigaud

Publication Date: August 31st, 2011
Sourcebooks Landmark
Format: Paperback, 432 pages
RATING: 1 out of 5 Stars
“Darcy’s as hot as he is talented.” 

Fast music, powerful beats, and wild reputations-on and off stage-have made virtuoso guitarist Fitzwilliam Darcy’s band into rock’s newest bad boys. But they’ve lost their latest opening act, and their red-hot summer tour is on the fast track to disaster. Now Darcy and bandmates Charles Bingley and Richard Fitzwilliam are about to meet their match…

 “But she’s about to rock his world…”

Enter Elizabeth Bennet, fiercely independent star of girl-band Long Borne Suffering. Elizabeth, her sister Jane, and friend Charlotte Lucas have talent to spare and jump at the opening band slot. Elizabeth is sure she’s seen the worst the music industry has to offer. But as the days and nights heat up, it becomes clear that everyone is in for a summer to remember.

If you’re expecting a re-telling of Pride and Prejudice, you’ll be sorely disappointed. This is fan fiction; I can’t even say it’s a retelling because it’s not. It’s set in an alternate universe where Will Darcy is a rock god. I must admit, I was sold on this book right off the bat because of this premise. After all, the Darcy I know fits the perfect rock star: surly, snobby, and yeah sexy. Hundred pages into the book, I was laughing rather, sarcastically at the mostly cheesy dialogues, the characters’  lack of personalities and the awful realization that the author took a couple of the most revered characters in the literary world and basically trashed them. Rigaud was better off naming her characters with something she came up with on her own (a novel idea!) because as a fan of Jane Austen, I kid you not, I feel disprespected. And in any case, the plot had nothing at all to do with Pride and Prejudice; she just used everyone’s names.

I was teeming with excitement when I first heard of this book last year; so much so that I bought a copy right away. For whatever reason, I’ve put off reading it for as long as I can. And as fate would have it, there was a reason why. It turns out, this book was a complete waste of my time. This plot was nonexistent as it is over-drawn. If that doesn’t make a lick of sense then let me explain further. Four hundred and twenty four pages of a whole lot of nothing. It’s a story about two bands, touring and consequently, developing feelings for each other. Seriously? Couldn’t the author pick a better plot? Something…less juvenile, original and more creative? Long story short: The three members of the boy band got together with the three members of the girl band. And they lived happily ever after. The End.

I’ve read (free) better fan fictions than this book. The characters are loathsome and one-dimensional. She took Darcy’s snotty attitude and amped it to new heights; so much so that I severely detested this guy. Elizabeth Bennett is a package of misplaced, and more often, irrational anger. She was angry for the sake of being angry. You will not read about a well-read Lizzie here. She’s more like the over-sexed, potty-mouthed version of Ms. Bennett. Charles Bingley fell in love with Jane so freaking fast, I needed chiropractic help to set my neck in place again. The man also could’ve used a bit of toning down in the cheesy dialogues department because damn, he was dripping in Cheez Whiz. And oh-em-gee. Jane readily admitted that all she could offer the world was her beauty. Are you for real? PLEASE. The highlight of this book was Caroline Bingley. She wasn’t the *itch that she was in P & P.

This was so out of the ball park and completely out of character. I give the author props for trying but unfortunately, it just didn’t work. Why bother using Pride and Prejudice when you’re not even going to parallel with the original? The only thing that made sense to me was that the author wanted to incite interests from Jane Austen fans.

VERDICT:  Elizabeth and Darcy having sex was not as hot as I’d imagined. Elizabeth giving Darcy a bl** job? That’s just…wrong and traumatizing. I need a gallon of hydrochloric acid to erase that scene from my memory. I originally gave this book a two but the more I sit here and fume about it, the less I’m feeling the love. Sorry.

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